Monday, January 07, 2008

Only Just The Beginning. Scary Thought.

It was a rough Sunday. I won't go into details, but I will say that Stella was caught in a lie. Not a huge, Big Bad Lie, but a lie she told in order to do something she felt she had every right to do. The hardest part is knowing she orchestrated a willful and conscious deception.

Parenting a 12 year-old who thinks she's going on 16 is hard, very hard sometimes.

Any advice, support, or choke hold techniques would be greatly appreciated.

11 comments:

step right up said...

Oh yes. Remember when we use to do that? We thought 'what's the big deal?' I guess now you know what the big deal was.

Unfortunately, I am unable to give advice in this category. If she was only a pug, I'd have tons of advice for you and that's probably not that great either.

Stephanie said...

Oh, man. That is rough. I have been there, not with lying(yet,) but with other behaviors.

The only thing I would say, is to hold your ground, whatever you choose as the consequence, even when she zaps you with every version of "I hate you, it's not fair, and you suck" because it is LOVE that is the Big Message.

Man, they didn't write a book, What To Expect the Tween Years, did they :)

Call me sometime, we need to have coffee!

carolyn says said...

just remember that she'll understand in like 7 years that you aren't trying to ruin her life right now, but that you love her and really you did know what was best. she'll get it eventually and you won't be the asshole forever or even all the time.

Stormysleep said...

OH MAN. You know I have 4 kids: 25, 22, 20, and 17. The 25-year old and I are only now returning to our great relationship, the one we had before her mid-teens. I agree with Stephanie -- all you can do is stand your ground. Be consistent and reliable. Our 17-year old daughter once said (and she was really mad when she said it) Why do I have to have such good parents! It was hard not to smile.

Once, when my oldest daughter was in the summer before her senior year, we got into something (mercifully forgotten now, that's another point to make!). I was standing my ground and she said, 'mom, at some point you're just going to have to trust that you raised me right and let me make my own mistakes.' Yikes. THAT is actually the hardest thing about being a parent.

All you can do is pick your battles, and if this is one, then stand your ground. Lean on D and friends, who can remind you that you're not crazy, because sometimes you'll wonder. Remind yourself that you love her, and in the intervals, remind her of that too (though she already knows it). And drink.

Alannah said...

Wow, thanks, everyone, for your words of encouragement. I really needed to hear them. I know that in a few years this will be behind us....but it's those FIVE YEARS looming ahead of me that I'm worried about.

I've been checking her phone for call times, text messages, etc. She feels like this is an invasion of her privacy. Since I pay for her phone, I feel like I can access it at any time or take it away at any time. That's a whole 'nother issue. Sigh.

carolyn says said...

jeez, that's mild compared to the surveillance my niece is under. her stepmom reads her diary, emails, texts, myspace messages, everything. She's also got a touch of the crazy, and does a lot more than just that.

but still, it sounds like you are totally withing your rights and she is also within hers to be stroppy and difficult. it's her hormones that are to blame.

5 of 9er said...

Sit her down and make her watch the Sound of Music. that might do the trick. Or maybe not. Can you tell I do not have kids? I'll let you know my thoughts when I do.

KellyZ said...

I think a bottle of wine (and whine-ing that the mothers of intellegent, creative, strong-willed tween girls can and have every right to do)is in order sometime very soon. Believe me...we're doing the same checking up around our house and a few outbursts here and there have been the result!

Alannah said...

Kelly Z - yes, please! I was just thinking that you and I needed to commiserate very soon.

After a bad last week, this week is better. It's such a tightrope walk. Push too hard and I'll push her away. Don't push at all and I feel like I've lost all influence....

Laughing through my chardonnay said...

All I can do is wish you luck. On the bright side, you caught her and taught her a lesson.

Step Right Up said...

Hello my friend. Thinking of you and hoping things are getting better. I hope you find a good balance with Stella. That is key. Maybe do something fun just you and her. No bringing up the issue unless she wants to talk about it. Let your actions show that your relationship w/her is not just being the "Mom Gestapo".

Good luck and hang in there. I love you.