Thursday, August 26, 2010

Capiche?

I'm not sure I'm ready to get into all the stories that contributed to making this summer so stressful and draining.  But here are a few:

  • Stella dealing with the transition from junior high to high school.  She couldn't find (read:  didn't really even look for) a job so she was pretty much left on her own while D. and I worked six to seven days a week, often until 8 or 9pm.  This is a dangerous combination for any teenager.  I feel like she had too much freedom and then started to expect it or believe she deserved it.  So then I had to pull in the reins, but was physically not able to make sure those reins stayed pulled in....because I was still gone most of the time.  
  • Our household is now made up of more animals than humans.  It feels like a circus because it IS a circus.  We love them to pieces...but it's a lot to maintain. 
  • Out of the three programs I oversaw simultaneously, I grew very close to one of the groups - the teacher training program for teachers from Mexico.  When this happens I WANT to do a lot of extra things for them, because they are such incredible people, but that stretches me even thinner and makes me feel guilty for a.) not giving as much to the other programs and b.) not giving that energy to my family 
  • Several couples with whom I felt really close split up, leaving me confused, sad, and searching for proof of the value in longterm committed relationships
  • I now weigh more than I ever have in my adult life.  That sentence killed me to type.  I am not exercising and....probably just as important,  must have extremely elevated and sustained levels of Cortisol.  That ain't helping.  I feel like a loser, unattractive, out of control, and full of self-loathing.
  • I made the decision to turn over Stella's dad's refusal to pay child support (two years with not a dime) to the prosecutor's office.  The arrears are now in the five figures.  I don't like anything having to do with this situation....I hate bringing lawyers in, I hate knowing how this does and will affect Stella later in life, I hate working NONFUCKINGSTOP and still being broke all the time.  
  • I have been making mistakes.  Lots of them.  I can't stay focussed on any one thing long enough to ensure that each detail is accounted for.  I'm making mistakes in my home life and professional life.  This kills me.  My mind is overfull, scattered, overstimulated, and spastic.  
  • I don't get to see enough of the people in my life who recharge my batteries and remind me what is important in life.
  • I planted a garden (from seeds - a real garden!) and although I made a point to water twice a day, didn't make time to harvest and weed like I needed to....so I watched as green beans, cucumbers, and lots of herbs either got ignored, went to seed, or rotted on the vine.  I have longed for garden fresh vegetables for many years.  And I worked to make it happen....and then couldn't take advantage of it.  The better news is that I still have tomatoes ripening, lush basil patch, and some jalepe├▒os looking good.  
  • Hottest summer ever.  More than two total weeks  of 100+ temperatures.  Plus 100% humidity and no rain.  
  • No outlet for all this.  I can't vent to D. because he's just as stressed out and this would add to his stress and make it even worse.  Not enough time to find or $$ to pay for a good therapist.  

2 comments:

jessica said...

I am on the move to a new country where you have no idea what you are eating diet. I am scared to eat at most of the cool, fun looking food stands because they may have beef or pork. I eat at school everyday but usually I can only eat the rice and soup...the main dish is pork most days.

I would love it if you came to see me, we could take a ferry to Japan or a cheap flight to Thailand...and there is lots to do here.

Wow I miss you, and that crazy summer job...I like it here but things are weird and hard to figure out. The work situation is difficult b/c I could do so much more but not only am I not expected to that is frowned upon.

Wallfishwife said...

I just found your blog again after too long without it!

Relating to many of these entries -way more animals than people, no child support, teenagers, weight etc...plus corn, pumpkin and beans were a disaster!

We are still AWETASTIC though.

xxx The Seadragon formerly known as Weedy

PS LOVE that new dog! New kitten on the way here but I have TOTAL dog envy!