Monday, October 18, 2010

Why Hello, Brass Tacks!

I've been struggling for quite some time...like I need to even type that out. Because, on the surface, I guess it appears that everything (work, home life, parenthood, goals, finances, friends, pets, personal time, family, etc) is going okay, for the most part. I get asked that a lot. "How do you DO it, Alannah?" I don't know how to respond...because I don't feel like I'm doing anything all that well. I mean, I know I give my job my most concentrated energy and focus and the students all comment on how much they appreciate everything I do for them. I know that Stella is doing about as well as a 15 year-old can and I love her and am proud of her beyond description. I know that D. and I have a mutually loving, respectful, supportive, compatible relationship. But y'all...MY BODY IS REBELLING AGAINST ME. Migraines, ulcer, fatigue, debilitating neck & back pain. The pain is constant and just switches location.

Today my boss asked me how everything was going. "Really everything is fine," I answered...and then it hit me, "Everything is fine BECAUSE I AM NOT." I am able to keep all these plates spinning because I am paying for it. With my body.

I can't figure out how to make work less stressful. I can't change the frequency of our programs, nor the unpredictable things requiring my immediate attention that always pop up. I can't change my parenting responsibilities. If anything, that's the one area I really wish I could give of myself more. I see parenting as an investment. The more I put in, the more I'll gain in knowing that I am doing my best to raise a healthier and happier person than I could ever be. I certainly don't want to give less to my relationship or friendships. The way I see it, my only option is to find a new position, a less-demanding job. Like perhaps a trauma nurse. Or a politician.

All I know is that I'm too young to feel this old.




....to be continued....

1 comment:

Stacy said...

Ugh. After a very stressful summer, I had to come to the conclusion that I needed more calm in my life and that some things would have to go. Some hobbies and projects have had to go on hold, and the social life has been scaled back. Hopefully it's only temporary. But for the sake of my body, brain, and bank account, I had to face the fact that something had to give! When life gets like this, it's triage time! Priorities have to be set, hard as that is. Sigh. Hang in there!