Thursday, September 29, 2011

Instead of the Other 461 Things I Should Be Doing

I'm procrastinating.


I have a super duper important big 10-page report due Friday.  And it really needed to be to my boss today so she could look over it first.  But it wasn't.

But tonight a friend sent me a poem he'd written and I realized how long it'd been since I'd written something for ME.

And it's one of those of those nights where I'm feeling very wordy.  It's great when I'm writing this report that I should have sent to my boss yesterday but couldn't force myself to stay awake, focus, and WRITE.  It's 5:00am.  I've been up all night, mostly working on this report.  It's coming along.  But I'm taking lots of detours.  Detours spent on long emails (to the aforementioned poet, to old friends who come back into my life at the right time, to lost, confused, gorgeous younger gay guys whom I love like little brothers, to people who touch my life), on the luxury of thought, on conversation and reading. 

And always lurking is the frustration and self-hatred that just comes along with this intense level of procrastination.  WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?  Don't I know how much EASIER my life would be if I did things earlier, if I made lists and crossed them off, if I forced myself to sit down and just WRITE THE DAMN REPORT, ALREADY.  Oh, the things I could accomplish if I didn't procrastinate and then hate myself for it....

This new house is going to be great for Stella and me.  It's small.  It's closer to everything (work, school, downtown, other people). It's much more ME.  That was something I wasn't prepared for when D. and I moved in together - that he would have a different aesthetic and want a different sort of home. He wanted the security and space of the suburbs.  I could never shake the feeling that it just wasn't ME. 

I'm 36 years old and have never owned a house.  I've cycled through different feelings about this. Sometimes I feel like I'm not a "real" grown-up because of it. But I'm mostly relieved not to have that responsibility hanging over me. I could give a rat's ass about equity or what having it or not having it says about me as a person.  I don't know if this is where I want to stay and I'm sure glad I won't have to factor in home ownership into my eventual decision to stay here or move on after Stella graduates. 

I hate that I abandoned this blog for so long.  A lot went on.  A lot that I'll probably never take the time to explain in detail. A chunk is missing from my reflective life!  I can't let that happen again, where I'm not writing anywhere. I guess I could cut and paste from emails and Facebook messages.  That would be stupid and confusing. I'll just have to accept that I failed and move on and not do it again.

It sure does feel good to be back.

1 comment:

jessica said...

You know that I also love to write but there have been many times when I have not, or could not write but always when I return I am reminded of the its therapy, of its joy and its necessity in my life. It is not easy to write when I am in denial, and sometimes it is the little things that add up to be big things...even like the kind of house I find myself living in. I have so much to write about now!