Thursday, November 03, 2011

Laying in Bed, Hitting "Refresh"

Why the hell am I not writing?  This is the longest dry spell I've had in years.  Before I had a blog I wrote regularly in a journal.  It was common for me to go weeks between writing, but rarely months.  But it has happened.

I feel fractured and spread too thin and realllllyyyyyy need a break from work.  But not a holiday break.  I don't need any pressure during time off.  I know I said the exact same thing in my last post.  It's still true. 

Oh, and I have something of a swain in my life.  A beau?  Lover?

It's sort of a Phase Two for us.  We had a weird, sudden, ill-timed mating dance (isn't that really all it ever is, after all?) eight years ago.  We were definitely drawn to each other, but also in fairly damaged emotional states (for different reasons).  Things ended before they really even started,  but with both of us knowing that there was a inexplicable but true connection between us that we just couldn't explore fully.  We'd never completely lost touch, although we'd drifted pretty far away.  Until a few weeks ago.  Okay, a few months ago.  Definitely after D.'s and my split although the dust hadn't completely cleared.

You could say the timing is better than eight years ago, but there are still plenty of complications.  Such as the physical distance of 60 miles.  Or our children, and their horrible adolescence.   My tender heart, still fractured and a little melancholic over the breakup.  And uhhhh, the twenty two year age difference.  Yes, I'm closer in age to Stella than to this man.  That's not really a complication though.  But I can't pretend it's not there.

And I'm enjoying every minute I spend with him. 

That's just it.  I feel so very comfortable and interested and alluring and stimulated and....happy whenever I'm with him.  I lay it all out there (you can take that metaphor as far or near as you'd like) and feel completely safe.  I take it you know how rare that is. 

I am afraid to write about it for obvious reasons.  On one hand it's still precious and personal and I'm not ready to share it with the world yet.  On another I am somewhat concerned that it's still too soon after the breakup and wouldn't want D. to be hurt upon learning of it.  On another I'm like "Fuck him!  He had plenty of time to save our relationship....or at least prevent its dissolution."  On yet another (I'm the goddess Parvati) I don't want to ruin the specialness of what we're experiencing with too much introspection.  It can happen!

So pretend you didn't read this. 


Carrie said...

Is your blog still set to private?

Alannah said...

It should be, Carrie. So consider yourself one of the elite!

Carrie said...

Oh good. Cant wait to see you soon! It's going to be a great par-te!

michelle said...

Nice! I approve. :)