Tuesday, February 12, 2013

It Pains Me To Write This...

Hey remember last year when I was going through all that shit with my back?  Oh...no...because I wasn't writing in my blog then.  Well.  This epic post hints at the beginnings of it.  (And by the way...I just re-read that post for the first time since I'd written it and goodness gracious if it isn't still a little raw for me)  Well 2012 was full of medical appointments for me.  More last year then I'd had in the previous 37 years of my life totaled.  So many that I met my (high) deductible by June.  So after the string of doctor referrals, steroid shots, MRIs, neurologist appointments, more MRIs (those were the worst.  The pain was beyond description and all I was doing was just lying there, trying not to move) and a final diagnosis that really isn't that satisfying, to tell you the truth.  I have slight disc bulging in two locations and a narrow sliver of something called a syrinx.  I know a syrinx sounds like a mythical beast out of Tolkien and, in a way, it has sort of achieved that status in my mind.  But it's teeny tiny and way inside my spinal cord and I probably never would have known it existed if it weren't for all those damn MRIs. 

The worst part is that, despite nerve pain medication and real pain medication and yoga and massages and special pillows and exercise and physical therapy and acupuncture and hot baths and meditation and sobbing, nothing appears to really be working.  Last night the pain was so intense that I just took a sleeping pill so I could at least sleep and not feel it for a few hours.  I'm hesitant to even write about it because it invites a whole slew of well-meaning but unsolicited advice.  I've probably tried whatever it is that you're suggesting, but thank you just the same.  Narcotic pain medication takes the most acute edge off the pain but it is STILL there, underneath...dull and hot and constant.  That's the only way I can describe it - it's a searing pain.  It does ebb and flow with regards to the amount of stress and anxiety in my life.  That is why I will keep doing the yoga and exercise and meditation and hot baths and massages, because they do help temporarily.  Sitting at a desk is bad bad bad for me.  I know that.  I wonder if I could convince my boss to give me a standing desk.  That could help a lot.  I am sure I could get my doctor to write a prescription for it and maybe insurance could cover some of it.  It would certainly be in my insurance company's best interest...but that doesn't really mean anything. 

Other than that....things are just okay.  Stella and I are going through a rough patch (again...whee!  Roller coaster of adolescence, everyone aboard!).  Work is....work.  I am poorly navigating the confusing waters of single/dating.  I don't know how to act is where all the confusion comes from. I don't even know why I'm "dating" because I'm pretty happy to just come home, do my thing (usually that means watch tv shows through a computer hooked up to my tv.  The Future is Here!), cook, make plans with friends, and berate myself.  But I can't seem to make myself delete that stupid profile even though it's produced only the faintest of interesting nibbles on the line. 

I'm reading a lot.  Writing some.  No jewelry in a while, or collages.  Cooking a fair amount.  Those are my preferred creative outlets.  So far that seems to be good for where I am.  I turn 38 next month.  That sounds much worse than it feels. 

3 comments:

I Know Right? said...

I already did 38...or, pretty eight as I like to call it. Hahaha. Its no biggs. I am sorry to hear about the back issue and the mythical monster that has taken up residence there. I hope that something can be done to resolve it. Dr's Prescriptions and Insurance, what a racket. I chose the wrong field. Anyway, I wish you well from your friends in N Tx. Shauna and I wish you nothing but positive vibes and happiness.

m said...

I'm sorry you're in such pain. :(

I do like the idea of a standing desk.

From your single friend Michelle in the chilly northeast with just a few days to go before her 40th bday.

Stacy @ Stacyverb said...

Ugh, sorry to hear you're dealing with all this pain. I won't offer any advice, just good wishes. And a request for future posts about what you've been reading and cooking. :)