Monday, August 11, 2014

Not So Fun to Read? Not So Fun to Write, Either.

I won't apologize for being gone away from this space for so long.

But I want to.  It's so much in my nature to apologize if I think I've failed others.   That sounds silly - feeling guilty for not writing in my internet journal.  But it's true.

My  heart has been heavy.  But not always, of course.  There have been some sweet, fun experiences this summer.

But it's mostly been a Cruel Summer (cue Bananarama).  My approach to it has been to try, incrementally, to improve things.  Chipping away at that boulder.  What else can we do, right?

So the boulder of health and body and self-image?  I've been doing the Whole 30.  In fact, I'm 20 days into it.  I feel good and want to keep going.  I haven't been drinking alcohol, eating sugar, dairy, or grains of any kind.  I'm hoping that it also helps with inflammatory pain because my back has been terrible lately.

The boulder of career and work and just paying the bills?  Well I work.  This job isn't like my perfect career or anything like that.  I am developing new skills and work with wonderful people, but I know it's not utilizing my gifts and I've had a few experiences where I've felt incompetent and I HATE THAT.  So that boulder is crushing me these days.

The boulder of relationships and personal interaction?  That's been downright shitty.  I've reevaluated some close friendships and have chosen to distance myself from people where the balance of give-take has been off.  And as far as a partner?  Oh, it's been pitiful.  I'm crushed by that boulder on a daily basis.  Whether it's people asking about my dating life, or receiving a text message (YES. TEXT MESSAGE) from my ex telling me he married our mutual friend the weekend before, it's been a lonely, humiliating summer.

But I soldier on because...that's what we do.  One foot in front of the other, one breath after another, being mindful of the small, sweet moments that puncture the haze of depression, fear, self-doubt, and malaise.

I just noticed that twice already I have said that we must go on because we must go on.  This isn't necessarily depression.  I know that darkness intimately.  I've stepped right to the edge and considered what might happen if I were to just check out.  I'm not anywhere close to that.  I hope I never will be again.  I have faith in myself that I'm moving in a good direction.  And I know there's no destination, there's no goal I will attain and think, "Welp.  I'm done.  I've reached the place in my life I'd hoped to reach."  That never happens, does it?

I mean, it's silly, really.  It's silly that I'm all bent out of shape because I don't have a boyfriend and I'm not happy in my job.  There is so much goodness all around - growing garden, good friends, my daughter achieving things she's wanted to achieve, family I love, cute pets, a house and neighborhood that delight, frustrate, and entertain me constantly.  MY OWN FOOL BRAIN that I love (not always) for generating ideas and keeping me company forever.  Tormenting me some, naturally, - but what is love without some torment?

I'll be writing more.  I must.    

1 comment:

Carrie said...

Yes, keep writing for us, Alannah! I love reading your posts!